I'm not who I was.
Oh those pesky neurological issues…. other than some persnickety whining about sleeplessness, I haven’t addressed them on the blogosphere lately. Sometimes it’s because I’m in a good phase (yay!), or sometimes it’s because I’m in a bad phase (boo.) and I want to maintain a positive outlook and not foster the appearance of woe-is-me… or sometimes I can’t even muster up the mental ability to conjure up something coherent. Other times my update for one day may be totally obsolete in a few hours because things can change just that quickly and so I don’t really feel like there’s a point .
Most commonly, if I’m being honest, my silence is because I don’t want to discuss it beyond the drive-by post or comment. Sometimes a quick vent and move-along is all I need. To quote a former blog post of mine: “I don’t really have any more “official” answers to share… not to be rude, but I get weary of repeating myself. I am so glad that people care, but it is frustrating to repeat the same thing over and over whilst knowing that most people don’t really “get it”. I mean, even the doctors and I don’t entirely “get it” since I have some different quirks about me, so I’m sure it’s even more difficult for everyone else. Truthfully, all of this effort and repetition isn’t simpy bothersome, it physically wears me out depending on my state at the time. So please don’t feel offended if you ask how I’m doing and I give a very short or generalized answer. It may not appear as though I appreciate your prayers and well-wishes… I do. I’m just exhausted.”
Being told how terrible I look or sound isn’t particularly enjoyable. Likewise, neither is being told how I look fine or sound fine or seemed fine 2 minutes ago when the illness takes on its invisible-to-the-outside perception… when in reality it’s taking every exhausting amount of effort inside of me to feign normalcy until I can exit the social scene as soon as possible and escape having to engage in more exhausting interaction that literally makes me feel more ill from the effort of powering through. (For any of you that suffer from any sort of “invisible” illness… I know you TOTALLY get that). And I REALLY dislike having to sift through incognizant (although well-meaning) advice/comments such as “Take your vitamins”, “You just need to drink more water”, or “My uncle’s wife’s dog’s 2nd cousin’s owner dealt with similar issues and they just needed to exercise more and it got all better”. If you’re going to say something like that, I urge you: just don’t.
Then there are the “new” people that have no idea that there’s anything going on. Hey, it’s not your fault you’re new. I’m not knocking YOU. There’s just no way to explain briefly “I have *fill-in-the-blank*”. There is no easy one-sentence explanation of why my body is behaving the way it is behaving without a mini-novel, and then everyone seems to want more answers and more information… well I want answers too and I don’t have them so I’m sorry to set you up for disappointment. Then once the mini-novel is given, I’m no longer Bec, I’m “the one with the neurological issues”. So I don’t want to say anything. But then if I do struggle in such a way that it affects the new person immediately, or it affects a commitment I had to flake out on, or I have to explain that I’m not feeling well but I’m not contagious, or I’m sorry but I can’t drive or be responsible for other people’s small children today… then people kind of need to know to a point.
So all I can tell you is about today.
Leading up to today: It has been ebb and flow. It’s always ebb and flow. If you ask me how I’m doing, there’s a 90% chance I will answer “Ebb and flow”. It’s the simplest, honest answer. I’ve had some really good days in the past few weeks. And there has been a lot of grace to power through some pretty amazing tasks and commitments with only minor hardly-worth-bringing-up setbacks. (Because, really, it can just always be assumed that even great days have their setbacks. That’s my normal).
Right now… right now is not so great. (Although I’d like to give the disclaimer that emotionally, I’m good. I’m speaking purely physically here. And I’d also like to give the disclaimer that later today I might be mostly okay even physically. Because that’s just how it rolls. I HOPE that I am). Today I just want to call the doctor and say PLEASE, PLEASE give me something to make the room stop spinning! (And I just might… but then I also have to weigh how the side effects will get to me otherwise. So unless the dizziness is about to make me hurl, I probably won’t take something. ) Today I beg for the cold-burning tingles and razors and sinking head to leave me alone…. for the ringing in my ears to turn down the volume, for my muscles to quit twitching and my eyes to stop flashing and pulsating and for my limbs to hold me up without almost letting me go. I want to get up and make breakfast and not have a need to recuperate from the physical exertion of pouring some milk (there’s a reason why I always buy half-gallons anymore)… and not have to clean up my mess from probably having spilled or dropped something in the process and not feel like an idiot for having likely hit my head on something again while bending over to clean up said mess because I have no concept of spacial awareness in those moments. I want to delight in my children and not count down the minutes until bedtime when I don’t have to exert myself anymore even though I probably won’t sleep much. As of right now I do still have clarity of thought… oh mental clarity, please, please stick around.
But it’s okay. There are two things I know. (Well, really I know more than two things. But I don’t want to brag. ha.):
#1- I have a 100% success rate at making it through so far.
#2- “Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.” ~ Lamentations 3:23 NLT
It’s the morning. I don’t have to depend on yesterday’s mercies. I have new ones for today… just enough for today. And even if the end of today comes and I didn’t make it to the post office or finish my home school planning or take a shower, even if I broke things and said the wrong things and didn’t get anything accomplished around the house, and even if my kids are eating cereal for all of their meals, watching too much tv & still wearing the same pajamas when the next morning rolls around after sleeping in them last night and playing outside in them today… even if I fail miserably at “normal” today, His mercies will never fail me.